Predators: Absolute Brody

What’s that in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! It’s Adrien Brody hurtling towards the lush greenery of an alien planet. Thank goodness he figures out how to open his parachute in time, otherwise this movie might…be over really quickly which would be GREAT but then you would miss a few very exciting developments like the introduction of Topher Grace’s character who is, of all things, A NERD.

Who invited this nerd to the scary mercenary, cartel enforcer, yakuza, soldier, crazy death row inmate party in this mysterious jungle? NOBODY KNOWS. Come to think of it, nobody has any idea where they are at all, and no one can remember anything before having been shoved out of an airplane and left to free fall, just like Brody and, let me tell you, they are freaked.

Well, eventually they realize that they’re not even on the planet Earth and then they’re even more freaked but, at least, they’ve found their way to high ground which Brody keeps going on and on about and even his buddies are kind of like “Come on, Man. What is it with you and high ground?” And then soon, but not soon enough, if you ask me, they encounter some alien life. NOT A PREDATOR, mind you, but a kind of predator dog with scary tusks.

OK.

I’ll skip to the part where they encounter some genuine predators of which there are several varieties. There’s the classic predator. You know this guy! There’s the tracker predator. I found out that this guy existed during the credits but I’m not really sure what the difference between him and the next kind of predator is. And…then…there’s…the….BERSERKER PREDATOR!!!! This predator is obviously bat shit insane and does a lot of damage to this band of baddies (appropriate name for all but Topher Grace who is, again, a NERD, or so you think.)

So, you know, some stuff happens. Mostly, Adrien Brody takes his shirt off and screams and talks in a gravelly voice. Oh, and Laurence Fishburne shows up and is crazy and talks to an imaginary friend. Also, he claims to have been trapped on this alien planet for something approaching 10 years but he seems to have a really significant beer belly. He’s super well fed for a guy who spends most of his time running away from/hunting berserker predators, but whatever. I love it.

And that’s the movie. Sort of. A lot of other things happen but mostly, by the end, I was thinking…I wish their parachutes hadn’t opened at the beginning because that was a waste of time. But, I don’t want to be too hard on Predators…I’m going to give it an A or a B for Adrien Brody’s abs.