Thursday, July 29, 2010
SALTY SITUATION
After eating a salted caramel piece of pie and chasing it down with a margarita with a salt rim, a few friends (including fellow popcorn prophecy blogette, Kate) decided to put salt in our wounds and buy tickets to the first screening ever of SALT, the movie at midnight on Thursday, July 22 (shout out to my daddy whose birthday it was when we did this). We salted our watches and met up in front of the AMC (location undisclosed) that SALT, the movie was playing at. Armed with popcorn with a lot of salt and some diet coke to wash it down, we headed to the movie theater it was playing in an hour early, so as to get the best salts in the house. When we arrived, there were many questions and games on the movie screen. Questions like: DID YOU KNOW PAUL RUDD WAS A BAR MITZVAH DJ BEFORE HE WAS AN ACTOR? COME SEE DINNER FOR SCHMUCKS. This makes sense, because schmucks is a jewish word as far as I know and paul rudd has experience with jews at bar mitzvahs.
After finishing our popcorn our toungues feeling very salty. we decided to play 20 questions. Then, the lights dimmed and some trailers came on. None of them were for SALT, the movie because that’s what we were there to see. Also, the sound didn’t work when they played.
After leaving the theater I caught up with one of the moviegoers, Kate (ppb), and asked her a few questions.* Her answers are below:
How did you find out about SALT, the movie?
The posters and then the trailer.
When you bought tickets in advance for SALT, the movie, did you expect it to be crowded?
yes
When you got there, was it crowded?
no
Who was your favorite person that you saw SALT, the movie with?
The woman behind us who kept talking about Chinese food during the pre movie trivia.
It’s been said that Angelina Jolie is the prettiest person in the world. Was she still equally beautiful in SALT, the movie?
I haven’t seen salt, the movie. But she looks very pretty in the poster and in the trailer.
Who was your favorite character in SALT, the movie?
I’m guessing, salt.
Were the Russian spies a good tie-in for SALT, the movie?
Yes. I cracked the case.
If you had to pick one scene from SALT, the movie and re-make it in, like, a filmmaking class or acting class, what scene would you pick?
The scene from the trailer where salt is interviewing the Russian spy and then at the end of the scene she asks who is going to kill the president and he says the name of the agent is salt and then she runs away.
If one line from SALT, the movie was to be your mantra, what line would it be?
I just want to know where my husband is.
How were the SFX in SALT, the movie?
I haven’t seen salt, but I think they are good.
What was your favorite action move from SALT, the movie?
running
Was there excessive nudity in SALT, the movie?
Only time will tell.
What did the score for SALT, the movie evoke for you?
I haven’t seen salt.
Who is Salt?
I don’t know.
* Ed Note: SALT, the movie never played. the projector broke.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
A Conversation I Overheard Between M. Night Shyamalan and His Old Friend
"Do you still watch movies?"
"Do I what?"
"Do you still even go to the movies. Do you remember what you used to like about movies? Or do you just watch the last ten minutes of Twilight Zone episodes every night before you go to sleep"
"I've seen movies"
"Name one good movie in the last 5 years"
"Well, I thought that The Hap..."
"No, movies that you didn't make"
"oh"
(pause)
"I thought Terminator Salvation was pretty heartfelt. I saw it in a theater w/ rumble seats. One of the theaters in my house actually. McG came over and I gave him notes"
"What were your notes like?"
"Oh, I just told him it's fine as it is, but maybe add like a Young Arnold Terminator to it. A CGI Arnold"
"He did"
"Oh good"
"yeah, great"
"What's this all about"
"M. I gotta ask you, do you care what people think about you?"
"Sure"
"Do you read what people say about your movies?"
"I like to read the FRESH reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Well I get my assistant to highlight the juicy parts, heh heh no pun intended"
"pun?"
"Juicy. Like a tomato. Hold on, let me write that joke down"
"You should read more reviews."
"Why?"
"You are wasting the time and money of people turning a hard economic time."
"The economy isn't so good?"
"The economy isn't so good."
"Well here's the thing. Even if some of the reviews are bad. I think history will reveal my gift. People just aren't ready yet. Maybe they are just focused on filling their bellies and not their minds right now"
"Here's the thing. Your movies aren't classics waiting to be discovered. They aren't being mistreated. At best, AT BEST, someone down the road, years from now, will watch these movies you've been making and say 'ah that wasn't THAT bad'. That's what you have given the future generation of viewers"
"What do you suggest then?"
"I dunno, use your money for good. Start an orphanage or something"
"For some reason that suggestion comes across as racist"
"It's not"
"Listen, time is money and you are wasting my time, therefore my money. I need to get on this conference call to talk with interviewers down at Comic Con. They are really interested in this great new movie I'm presenting."
(man pulls out a gun)
"Wait. Wait. What are you doing with that gun!? Put it down. Put it down!"
"Say nighty night, M Night"
(shoots gun, but the gun turns out to be full not of bullets but of angel particles. These particles come out of the gun, form into a blessed beautiful angel and lift M. Night by his arms, taking him to the top of a nearby mountain top, where a throne is waiting for him. He looks down upon the towns below and smiles)
"I forgive you all"
(True Story: After this photo was taken, the style of sweaters seen here rocketed in popularity, and that is why we now all call turtles "m.nights")
"Do I what?"
"Do you still even go to the movies. Do you remember what you used to like about movies? Or do you just watch the last ten minutes of Twilight Zone episodes every night before you go to sleep"
"I've seen movies"
"Name one good movie in the last 5 years"
"Well, I thought that The Hap..."
"No, movies that you didn't make"
"oh"
(pause)
"I thought Terminator Salvation was pretty heartfelt. I saw it in a theater w/ rumble seats. One of the theaters in my house actually. McG came over and I gave him notes"
"What were your notes like?"
"Oh, I just told him it's fine as it is, but maybe add like a Young Arnold Terminator to it. A CGI Arnold"
"He did"
"Oh good"
"yeah, great"
"What's this all about"
"M. I gotta ask you, do you care what people think about you?"
"Sure"
"Do you read what people say about your movies?"
"I like to read the FRESH reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Well I get my assistant to highlight the juicy parts, heh heh no pun intended"
"pun?"
"Juicy. Like a tomato. Hold on, let me write that joke down"
"You should read more reviews."
"Why?"
"You are wasting the time and money of people turning a hard economic time."
"The economy isn't so good?"
"The economy isn't so good."
"Well here's the thing. Even if some of the reviews are bad. I think history will reveal my gift. People just aren't ready yet. Maybe they are just focused on filling their bellies and not their minds right now"
"Here's the thing. Your movies aren't classics waiting to be discovered. They aren't being mistreated. At best, AT BEST, someone down the road, years from now, will watch these movies you've been making and say 'ah that wasn't THAT bad'. That's what you have given the future generation of viewers"
"What do you suggest then?"
"I dunno, use your money for good. Start an orphanage or something"
"For some reason that suggestion comes across as racist"
"It's not"
"Listen, time is money and you are wasting my time, therefore my money. I need to get on this conference call to talk with interviewers down at Comic Con. They are really interested in this great new movie I'm presenting."
(man pulls out a gun)
"Wait. Wait. What are you doing with that gun!? Put it down. Put it down!"
"Say nighty night, M Night"
(shoots gun, but the gun turns out to be full not of bullets but of angel particles. These particles come out of the gun, form into a blessed beautiful angel and lift M. Night by his arms, taking him to the top of a nearby mountain top, where a throne is waiting for him. He looks down upon the towns below and smiles)
"I forgive you all"
(True Story: After this photo was taken, the style of sweaters seen here rocketed in popularity, and that is why we now all call turtles "m.nights")
Friday, July 23, 2010
Natural Born Woodrow
Today is Woody Harrelson’s 49th birthday and I, for one, would like to celebrate him and his twenty plus years of baffling performances. He is, in my opinion, America’s best actor going; rivaled only in doofusey charm by Surfer, Dude co-star, Mathew McConaughey.
Three Cheers for Woody.
So, he owns an oxygen bar in West Hollywood and is friends with the Red Hot Chili Peppers…I’m into it.
If you haven’t already, check out The Walker: Paul Schrader’s 2007 non-hit. Harrelson plays an escort to some of Washington D.C.’s bitchiest society wives. Expect murder, scandal and that certain charisma that is so distinctly Woody's. (it is also Charisma Carpenter's birthday today.)
Happy birthday, Woody! (I love you.)
Three Cheers for Woody.
So, he owns an oxygen bar in West Hollywood and is friends with the Red Hot Chili Peppers…I’m into it.
If you haven’t already, check out The Walker: Paul Schrader’s 2007 non-hit. Harrelson plays an escort to some of Washington D.C.’s bitchiest society wives. Expect murder, scandal and that certain charisma that is so distinctly Woody's. (it is also Charisma Carpenter's birthday today.)
Happy birthday, Woody! (I love you.)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Predators: Absolute Brody
What’s that in the sky? Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! It’s Adrien Brody hurtling towards the lush greenery of an alien planet. Thank goodness he figures out how to open his parachute in time, otherwise this movie might…be over really quickly which would be GREAT but then you would miss a few very exciting developments like the introduction of Topher Grace’s character who is, of all things, A NERD.
Who invited this nerd to the scary mercenary, cartel enforcer, yakuza, soldier, crazy death row inmate party in this mysterious jungle? NOBODY KNOWS. Come to think of it, nobody has any idea where they are at all, and no one can remember anything before having been shoved out of an airplane and left to free fall, just like Brody and, let me tell you, they are freaked.
Well, eventually they realize that they’re not even on the planet Earth and then they’re even more freaked but, at least, they’ve found their way to high ground which Brody keeps going on and on about and even his buddies are kind of like “Come on, Man. What is it with you and high ground?” And then soon, but not soon enough, if you ask me, they encounter some alien life. NOT A PREDATOR, mind you, but a kind of predator dog with scary tusks.
OK.
I’ll skip to the part where they encounter some genuine predators of which there are several varieties. There’s the classic predator. You know this guy! There’s the tracker predator. I found out that this guy existed during the credits but I’m not really sure what the difference between him and the next kind of predator is. And…then…there’s…the….BERSERKER PREDATOR!!!! This predator is obviously bat shit insane and does a lot of damage to this band of baddies (appropriate name for all but Topher Grace who is, again, a NERD, or so you think.)
So, you know, some stuff happens. Mostly, Adrien Brody takes his shirt off and screams and talks in a gravelly voice. Oh, and Laurence Fishburne shows up and is crazy and talks to an imaginary friend. Also, he claims to have been trapped on this alien planet for something approaching 10 years but he seems to have a really significant beer belly. He’s super well fed for a guy who spends most of his time running away from/hunting berserker predators, but whatever. I love it.
And that’s the movie. Sort of. A lot of other things happen but mostly, by the end, I was thinking…I wish their parachutes hadn’t opened at the beginning because that was a waste of time. But, I don’t want to be too hard on Predators…I’m going to give it an A or a B for Adrien Brody’s abs.
Who invited this nerd to the scary mercenary, cartel enforcer, yakuza, soldier, crazy death row inmate party in this mysterious jungle? NOBODY KNOWS. Come to think of it, nobody has any idea where they are at all, and no one can remember anything before having been shoved out of an airplane and left to free fall, just like Brody and, let me tell you, they are freaked.
Well, eventually they realize that they’re not even on the planet Earth and then they’re even more freaked but, at least, they’ve found their way to high ground which Brody keeps going on and on about and even his buddies are kind of like “Come on, Man. What is it with you and high ground?” And then soon, but not soon enough, if you ask me, they encounter some alien life. NOT A PREDATOR, mind you, but a kind of predator dog with scary tusks.
OK.
I’ll skip to the part where they encounter some genuine predators of which there are several varieties. There’s the classic predator. You know this guy! There’s the tracker predator. I found out that this guy existed during the credits but I’m not really sure what the difference between him and the next kind of predator is. And…then…there’s…the….BERSERKER PREDATOR!!!! This predator is obviously bat shit insane and does a lot of damage to this band of baddies (appropriate name for all but Topher Grace who is, again, a NERD, or so you think.)
So, you know, some stuff happens. Mostly, Adrien Brody takes his shirt off and screams and talks in a gravelly voice. Oh, and Laurence Fishburne shows up and is crazy and talks to an imaginary friend. Also, he claims to have been trapped on this alien planet for something approaching 10 years but he seems to have a really significant beer belly. He’s super well fed for a guy who spends most of his time running away from/hunting berserker predators, but whatever. I love it.
And that’s the movie. Sort of. A lot of other things happen but mostly, by the end, I was thinking…I wish their parachutes hadn’t opened at the beginning because that was a waste of time. But, I don’t want to be too hard on Predators…I’m going to give it an A or a B for Adrien Brody’s abs.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Menace II Society
A few nights ago, I watched Menace II Society. The film was directed by II brothers, Albert and Allen Hughes, who went on II direct several other movies. The most recent of these was The Book of Eli, starring Denzel Washington, which I was really dying II see but never got the chance II while it was in theaters. I plan II watch the DVD at my earliest convenience. Menace II Society was released in 1993 but I suspect that, at least, some of its principle shooting took place in 199II.
An interesting bit of trivia is that IIpac Shakur was slated II play a role in this film until he was fired for getting inII a fistfight with director, Allen Hughes. II verify this bit of trivia, please see that irrefutable font of facts without mistakes ever www.imdb.com.
II be honest, I really enjoyed watching this movie. I would give it II thumbs up, if that were my thing. Actually, speaking of Ebert, he was a big fan of this movie when it was released. According II the front of this DVD box, he found Menace II Society II be “one of the…most powerful movies” he’d ever seen. High praise, Ebert!
Check this movie out for excellent performances by Jada Pinkett Smith (Scream II), Charles S. Dutton (A Time II Kill), Larenz Tate (Why Do Fools Fall in Love?) and Tyrin Turner (Deep Cover) II name a few.
Really though, watch Menace II Society IIday. You won’t regret it and who knows? Tomorrow you might have something better to do, though I highly doubt it.
(II annoying?)
An interesting bit of trivia is that IIpac Shakur was slated II play a role in this film until he was fired for getting inII a fistfight with director, Allen Hughes. II verify this bit of trivia, please see that irrefutable font of facts without mistakes ever www.imdb.com.
II be honest, I really enjoyed watching this movie. I would give it II thumbs up, if that were my thing. Actually, speaking of Ebert, he was a big fan of this movie when it was released. According II the front of this DVD box, he found Menace II Society II be “one of the…most powerful movies” he’d ever seen. High praise, Ebert!
Check this movie out for excellent performances by Jada Pinkett Smith (Scream II), Charles S. Dutton (A Time II Kill), Larenz Tate (Why Do Fools Fall in Love?) and Tyrin Turner (Deep Cover) II name a few.
Really though, watch Menace II Society IIday. You won’t regret it and who knows? Tomorrow you might have something better to do, though I highly doubt it.
(II annoying?)
The Kids are ____
The Kids are All Right
The Kids are Alright
The Kids are All Wrong
The Kids aren't All Right
The Kids aren't All Wrong
The Kids are Only Okay
The Kids are Only Right Sometimes
The Kids are ALWAYS RIGHT
The Kids are ALWAYS WRONG
The Kids are Partially Right
Some of the Kids are Right, Others are Wrong
Some of the Kids are Wrong, Others are Right
The Kids Eat CheezeDoodles.
abortion: the movie!
The other night I watched 4 months, 3 weeks and 2 days. To be exact, it was 2 days ago when I watched this movie. I only watched it 1 time, but I would definitely give it 4.32 stars out of 5. And, NO, I didn't participate in 4:20 today, all you jokers. I'm in Kingston, NY, NOT Kingston, Jamaica, mon.
Watching this movie made me think about my life and my actions. When it comes down to it, I just don't think I have a friend that would take me to a blackmarket Romanian abortion doctor if I needed it, and, I dunno, thoughts like that make me wonder if I'm surrounding myself with the right Romanians. I feel like all my friends are romantics or maniacs, but rarely Romaniacs. If you are a Romanian that would like to be my friend, please fax me your details. Perhaps we could meet up at that fancy Romanian restaurant I've been hearing so little about.
The film won the Palme d'Or in 2007 at Cannes, 2 years after L'enfant. Filmmakers out there take note: If you want to win the Palme d'Or, make a movie that involves getting rid of a baby!
The film is on Netflix instant watch and it's definitely better than most stuff on there. I tried watching "I love you, New York" on there last night, but I turned it off and said "I hate you 'i love you, new york'" and then I had dreams that were more interesting than Christopher Nolan's.
(The star of next year's Palme d'Or film "Le trash can")
Watching this movie made me think about my life and my actions. When it comes down to it, I just don't think I have a friend that would take me to a blackmarket Romanian abortion doctor if I needed it, and, I dunno, thoughts like that make me wonder if I'm surrounding myself with the right Romanians. I feel like all my friends are romantics or maniacs, but rarely Romaniacs. If you are a Romanian that would like to be my friend, please fax me your details. Perhaps we could meet up at that fancy Romanian restaurant I've been hearing so little about.
The film won the Palme d'Or in 2007 at Cannes, 2 years after L'enfant. Filmmakers out there take note: If you want to win the Palme d'Or, make a movie that involves getting rid of a baby!
The film is on Netflix instant watch and it's definitely better than most stuff on there. I tried watching "I love you, New York" on there last night, but I turned it off and said "I hate you 'i love you, new york'" and then I had dreams that were more interesting than Christopher Nolan's.
(The star of next year's Palme d'Or film "Le trash can")
The Killing of a Chinese Bookie Rookie
Last night, I watched The Killing of a Chinese bookie for the first time in all of my 26 years. This may come as a surprise to the tens of people whom I have lied to in the past; saying things like “Oh Yes, that is a great one.” And “Uh huh, Ben Gazzara is the King.” It was all very complicated, you see, because while I was lying through my teeth, I really did believe these fabrications, in a way. I DO love Ben Gazzara. And I HAVE always thought that if I were to finally watch The Killing of a Chinese Bookie, it would most likely become my favorite Cassavetes movie.
So, why did I lie to these interested parties? It could be that I never want to be lectured on the merits of a movie, the merits of which I am already, privately, convinced. It could, also, be that I am a crazy loser who's shouldering a massive inferiority complex. But, why didn’t I just watch the movie already since it was supposed to be so unbelievably wonderful? I DON’T KNOW. Sometimes, you just need to have your secrets. Last night, I decided to let this one go…publicly!
A little about last night…I would never had watched The Killing of a Chinese Bookie had I not already exhausted my roommate’s dvd collection. There I was, home alone and in desperate need of some company. So, I asked myself, “Should I call a friend or watch a movie?” And the obvious answer, the obviousness of which basically negates the need to ever ask the question, was…watch a movie. But, as I mentioned earlier, I had already watched most of my roommate’s dvds. They were, at the time, strewn about my room and double stuffed into the wrong cases (just kidding, Larry!) So, there was The Killing of a Chinese Bookie sitting on the end of a shelf, ripe for the viewing, practically spitting in my face and daring me to watch it. And still, I resisted. Why? Maybe there’s something a little boring about knowing you’re going to like a movie before you even hit play. Or it could be that I have no interest in ever having a genuine conversation with somebody about how great John Cassavetes is, even though I really, wholeheartedly, believe it. At any rate, whatever the reasons, I, clearly, had a lot of issues with The Killing of a Chinese Bookie!
Well, I watched it. And I loved it. Ben Gazzara is the King! What a great actor. One time I read a lot of his autobiography (now that’s full disclosure because, usually, I tell people that I read the whole thing) and he has a chapter called “other gigs.” I really love that guy. The movie is amazing; so strange and beautiful. The way it looks is really perfect to me, the colors. Anyway. That’s all I’ll write about the actual movie because I’ll bet you’ve all had much more engaging conversations on this very subject with a living, breathing person in stead of a computer screen, but, listen: do not trust these people! They are probably lying to you!
(this photo was found doing a google image search for "Ben Gazarra King")
So, why did I lie to these interested parties? It could be that I never want to be lectured on the merits of a movie, the merits of which I am already, privately, convinced. It could, also, be that I am a crazy loser who's shouldering a massive inferiority complex. But, why didn’t I just watch the movie already since it was supposed to be so unbelievably wonderful? I DON’T KNOW. Sometimes, you just need to have your secrets. Last night, I decided to let this one go…publicly!
A little about last night…I would never had watched The Killing of a Chinese Bookie had I not already exhausted my roommate’s dvd collection. There I was, home alone and in desperate need of some company. So, I asked myself, “Should I call a friend or watch a movie?” And the obvious answer, the obviousness of which basically negates the need to ever ask the question, was…watch a movie. But, as I mentioned earlier, I had already watched most of my roommate’s dvds. They were, at the time, strewn about my room and double stuffed into the wrong cases (just kidding, Larry!) So, there was The Killing of a Chinese Bookie sitting on the end of a shelf, ripe for the viewing, practically spitting in my face and daring me to watch it. And still, I resisted. Why? Maybe there’s something a little boring about knowing you’re going to like a movie before you even hit play. Or it could be that I have no interest in ever having a genuine conversation with somebody about how great John Cassavetes is, even though I really, wholeheartedly, believe it. At any rate, whatever the reasons, I, clearly, had a lot of issues with The Killing of a Chinese Bookie!
Well, I watched it. And I loved it. Ben Gazzara is the King! What a great actor. One time I read a lot of his autobiography (now that’s full disclosure because, usually, I tell people that I read the whole thing) and he has a chapter called “other gigs.” I really love that guy. The movie is amazing; so strange and beautiful. The way it looks is really perfect to me, the colors. Anyway. That’s all I’ll write about the actual movie because I’ll bet you’ve all had much more engaging conversations on this very subject with a living, breathing person in stead of a computer screen, but, listen: do not trust these people! They are probably lying to you!
(this photo was found doing a google image search for "Ben Gazarra King")
Monday, July 19, 2010
Watching Practical Magic With Your Dad
Is a great idea. It is an especially great idea when both you and your dad have decided to shirk your responsibilities, school and work respectively, in a bold yet unspoken admission of shared laziness and truant inclinations.
So, maybe you’re lounging around on the sticky leather couch, letting the sense of relief wash over you, realizing that you’ve won and not only have you won, but you no longer have to pretend to have a stomach ache. No School for this 8th grader! And where is dad? Why, he’s just at the video store renting Practical Magic and Mask of Zorro because he, weirdly enough, has also been stricken by a sudden and, most likely, passing illness, which has rendered him unable to travel any farther away from home than the strip mall across the highway. What a cad.
So, maybe now you’re watching Practical Magic with your dad and you have the following conversation: “who do you like better, Sandra Bullock or Nicole Kidman?” “Touch call.” “Yeah, I think Nicole Kidman is prettier, but Sandra Bullock has more personality.” “I totally agree.” Maybe this is the most you’ve genuinely related to your father since that time when you were 6 and he asked you what you were thinking about and you said you were thinking about how you wished you knew how to make one of those paper fortune tellers and he was shocked because just the other day he had seen one of his students playing with one and had thought he should find out how and then show you, which he, ultimately, didn’t because he was beaten to the punch by some snot nosed kid in your class and, thereby, robbed of a bonding experience.
So, there you are on the couch, half paying attention to the tv and half indulging in this train of thought… “Why is this movie directed by Griffin Dunne? Do you think he knows how good American Werewolf in London is? If he only knew how much I cried at the end of My Girl, he might think I were really sensitive.” Suddenly, you realize, this guy directed Addicted to Love! Only one of your very favorite movies of 1997! Woah, what is going to happen to these damn witches? Well, twelve years later, you’re not going to remember what happened to those damn witches. Sorry. But you will remember that watching Practical Magic with your dad was a really good idea. Don’t even get me started on Mask of Zorro. Let’s just say, go Practical Magic or go home. Wait! You are at home in this scenario. Go Practical Magic or go to school, you crazy kid!
Stay tuned for a hypothetical yarn in which you watch Old School with your dad, perched in silent horror as Andy Dick gives a blowjob to a banana.
Watch it with someone you find bewitching...like your dad!
So, maybe you’re lounging around on the sticky leather couch, letting the sense of relief wash over you, realizing that you’ve won and not only have you won, but you no longer have to pretend to have a stomach ache. No School for this 8th grader! And where is dad? Why, he’s just at the video store renting Practical Magic and Mask of Zorro because he, weirdly enough, has also been stricken by a sudden and, most likely, passing illness, which has rendered him unable to travel any farther away from home than the strip mall across the highway. What a cad.
So, maybe now you’re watching Practical Magic with your dad and you have the following conversation: “who do you like better, Sandra Bullock or Nicole Kidman?” “Touch call.” “Yeah, I think Nicole Kidman is prettier, but Sandra Bullock has more personality.” “I totally agree.” Maybe this is the most you’ve genuinely related to your father since that time when you were 6 and he asked you what you were thinking about and you said you were thinking about how you wished you knew how to make one of those paper fortune tellers and he was shocked because just the other day he had seen one of his students playing with one and had thought he should find out how and then show you, which he, ultimately, didn’t because he was beaten to the punch by some snot nosed kid in your class and, thereby, robbed of a bonding experience.
So, there you are on the couch, half paying attention to the tv and half indulging in this train of thought… “Why is this movie directed by Griffin Dunne? Do you think he knows how good American Werewolf in London is? If he only knew how much I cried at the end of My Girl, he might think I were really sensitive.” Suddenly, you realize, this guy directed Addicted to Love! Only one of your very favorite movies of 1997! Woah, what is going to happen to these damn witches? Well, twelve years later, you’re not going to remember what happened to those damn witches. Sorry. But you will remember that watching Practical Magic with your dad was a really good idea. Don’t even get me started on Mask of Zorro. Let’s just say, go Practical Magic or go home. Wait! You are at home in this scenario. Go Practical Magic or go to school, you crazy kid!
Stay tuned for a hypothetical yarn in which you watch Old School with your dad, perched in silent horror as Andy Dick gives a blowjob to a banana.
Watch it with someone you find bewitching...like your dad!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Westwood...Just kidding, Eastwood
NOTE: This is an old review being pulled from the archives to give the new site more material. If any of the slang seems outdated, note that it's from late 2008, homeslice.
(Clint Eastwood intimidates his neighbors from making any more cracks about his waistline)
Gran Torino (2008)
All I knew about Gran Torino going into tonight's screening was that it has: a Gran Tourino car in it, Asian actors that aren't very good at their acting, and a racist Clint Eastwood who pretends to pull a gun out of his jacket and then it turns out that its not a gun, its just his hand held in a gun-like fashion. Also, I knew that this gun-hand trick thing happened more than once. (at least 3 times judging by the trailers)
Having seen the 116 minute movie, I am happy to report that the movie doesn't really have anything else in it. It's a pretty bad movie. Eastwood is sort of awesome in it, and the racism was fun in a way that made me feel strange inside, but the movie and the characters in it are a bit hard to care about. Having said this, I am gonna put it out there that I don't consider myself a racist guy, and if there was something positive I took from the movie, its that the film made me think about how much I do appreciate the spices of life that come from interacting with people of all races. Just earlier today I watched my dad interact with some gentlemen at Frye's Electronics who were of differing races, and now I am using a laptop that has 2 extra GB of RAM memory that was bought from these gentlemen. Do you think I would be using this RAM if I were racist? Email me the answer once you've really thought about it.
So anyways.
The movie revolves around an asian gang, who all live together and spend their days driving around in their car trying to get their silent, boring cousin to join their gang. I'm not sure why they want him in the gang. He is boring and has one of those mustaches that middle school hispanic boys have. You want him to shave. I wish he HAD joined the gang and learned that being a man came from working hard, and not from facial hair. One of the gang-members is named Spider, and he has a Spider tattoo, which I thought made sense. But then Spider and the gang won't leave this boy Thao alone, again i'm not sure why, and to initiate him they want him to steal an old white man's car, but he fails and then they keep coming around and then they try to get him to come with them but they break Eastwood's lawn gnome in the process which makes Clint mad so he pulls a gun out and they leave, and then the asians in the neighborhood love the old crazy racist and they start calling him Wally instead of Walt or Mr. Kowalski (he is a dumb Polack, we learn). The gang comes and goes, sometimes they rape their cousins, sometimes they do drive-bys where they just drive by and make mean faces and other times they drive-by and actually commit to the basic structure of a drive-by (bullets, etc.).
Eastwood hates his own family, his wife is dead, his dog is kind of boring (I thought so anyways) so of course he gets a soft spot for the next-door Hmong family and takes on a role sort of as their protector. He calls Thao "Toad" and the young boy doesn't seem to mind too much. I guess encouraged by this, Clint then makes jokes about the family eating dog and they start to really like him. He calls them nips and zips and zipperheads and they like him even more! By the end of the movie, the asian people literally don't even bat an eye as old Wally calls them horrible racist things. I think the justification is that he doesn't really mean it, which I got because he likes the neighbors more than his own family, but the coldness in his speech is somehow connected to that one summer when he killed all these people in the Korean War, and this apparentlyleft him with a salty side, but it's a sad saltyness, sort of like tears.
I've noticed that in Eastwood movies, he makes things simple by having a protagonist's family be comprised of a bunch of dumb assholes. Like Hillary Swank's family in Million Dollar Baby, Walt's is a bunch of simpleton creeps. One of the best parts of the movie is when they try to convince him to move to a retirement home. ON HIS BIRTHDAY! All Clint has to do is make a pickled face and we know that the family ain't getting any of that birthday cake.
And they don't!
Anyways, some bullshit happens, and then when Eastwood martyrs himself, he has his character lie down with his arms sprawled out like Jesus Christ.
There is also a priest who says "Jesus Christ!" and drinks beers. So what?
i give this movie 2 out of 6 stars, or 1 out of 3 stars.
(Clint Eastwood intimidates his neighbors from making any more cracks about his waistline)Gran Torino (2008)
All I knew about Gran Torino going into tonight's screening was that it has: a Gran Tourino car in it, Asian actors that aren't very good at their acting, and a racist Clint Eastwood who pretends to pull a gun out of his jacket and then it turns out that its not a gun, its just his hand held in a gun-like fashion. Also, I knew that this gun-hand trick thing happened more than once. (at least 3 times judging by the trailers)
Having seen the 116 minute movie, I am happy to report that the movie doesn't really have anything else in it. It's a pretty bad movie. Eastwood is sort of awesome in it, and the racism was fun in a way that made me feel strange inside, but the movie and the characters in it are a bit hard to care about. Having said this, I am gonna put it out there that I don't consider myself a racist guy, and if there was something positive I took from the movie, its that the film made me think about how much I do appreciate the spices of life that come from interacting with people of all races. Just earlier today I watched my dad interact with some gentlemen at Frye's Electronics who were of differing races, and now I am using a laptop that has 2 extra GB of RAM memory that was bought from these gentlemen. Do you think I would be using this RAM if I were racist? Email me the answer once you've really thought about it.
So anyways.
The movie revolves around an asian gang, who all live together and spend their days driving around in their car trying to get their silent, boring cousin to join their gang. I'm not sure why they want him in the gang. He is boring and has one of those mustaches that middle school hispanic boys have. You want him to shave. I wish he HAD joined the gang and learned that being a man came from working hard, and not from facial hair. One of the gang-members is named Spider, and he has a Spider tattoo, which I thought made sense. But then Spider and the gang won't leave this boy Thao alone, again i'm not sure why, and to initiate him they want him to steal an old white man's car, but he fails and then they keep coming around and then they try to get him to come with them but they break Eastwood's lawn gnome in the process which makes Clint mad so he pulls a gun out and they leave, and then the asians in the neighborhood love the old crazy racist and they start calling him Wally instead of Walt or Mr. Kowalski (he is a dumb Polack, we learn). The gang comes and goes, sometimes they rape their cousins, sometimes they do drive-bys where they just drive by and make mean faces and other times they drive-by and actually commit to the basic structure of a drive-by (bullets, etc.).
Eastwood hates his own family, his wife is dead, his dog is kind of boring (I thought so anyways) so of course he gets a soft spot for the next-door Hmong family and takes on a role sort of as their protector. He calls Thao "Toad" and the young boy doesn't seem to mind too much. I guess encouraged by this, Clint then makes jokes about the family eating dog and they start to really like him. He calls them nips and zips and zipperheads and they like him even more! By the end of the movie, the asian people literally don't even bat an eye as old Wally calls them horrible racist things. I think the justification is that he doesn't really mean it, which I got because he likes the neighbors more than his own family, but the coldness in his speech is somehow connected to that one summer when he killed all these people in the Korean War, and this apparentlyleft him with a salty side, but it's a sad saltyness, sort of like tears.
I've noticed that in Eastwood movies, he makes things simple by having a protagonist's family be comprised of a bunch of dumb assholes. Like Hillary Swank's family in Million Dollar Baby, Walt's is a bunch of simpleton creeps. One of the best parts of the movie is when they try to convince him to move to a retirement home. ON HIS BIRTHDAY! All Clint has to do is make a pickled face and we know that the family ain't getting any of that birthday cake.
And they don't!
Anyways, some bullshit happens, and then when Eastwood martyrs himself, he has his character lie down with his arms sprawled out like Jesus Christ.
There is also a priest who says "Jesus Christ!" and drinks beers. So what?
i give this movie 2 out of 6 stars, or 1 out of 3 stars.
Movies are not Books....Or Are They?
I can remember the first time I saw a movie. It was called "What Planet Are You From". Sure I had seen movies before, but this was the first time I ever really saw a movie. Because after years of wearing a patch, my lazy eye had corrected itself. I give this Classic Comedy a 20/20! HAHA
Lou Lumenick from the New York Post said that this movie is "Easily the Funniest Movie of the Year". I don't remember if this movie was released in January, but that seems likely based on this statement.
This is Lou Lumenick. I don't know why he is wearing that nametag but it's Easily the Funniest Nametag of the Year.
Please let us into your free press screenings!
Lou Lumenick from the New York Post said that this movie is "Easily the Funniest Movie of the Year". I don't remember if this movie was released in January, but that seems likely based on this statement.
This is Lou Lumenick. I don't know why he is wearing that nametag but it's Easily the Funniest Nametag of the Year.
Please let us into your free press screenings!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)